Many
people interpret YOLO, “You only live once,” as a reason to go out with a
blast. Yes, although we only live once we can choose healthier and safer ways
to “kick the bucket.” There are numerous things that I would like to do before
I die, but I only chose a few things that are most important to me.
I
have grown up in and out of the foster care system. I have been abused
mentally, emotionally, and sexually, but somehow I continue to push myself
forward. I have been placed with several families and lived in two group homes.
I have seen and experienced things that I pray no other child has. With my mom
being the Ouachita County CALL (Children of Arkansas Loved for a Lifetime)
Coordinator I am able to attend some of the meetings and hear her talk about
children in care. I am beyond blessed to be a part of the Keithley family and
to be the first in biological family to pursue a post-secondary education. Even
though I have been through hell, I am still going! One day before I depart from this world I want to be able to stand and
tell my life story to others, more importantly the youth, because I believe it
will affect their lives. I want to be an advocate so that youth in care get
the tools that they need to better their lives and themselves. I want to be an
example so that I can show youth that they too can overcome obstacles and,
hopefully, go to college. I want to make a difference so that we as foster
youth can beat the statistics and break the chains of our families. Just as
Mandy Hale once said: “Change starts with YOU. When you step up, you invite others to step up, too.”
I am willing to step up and start a chain-reaction.
Another thing that I would like to
do before I die is love myself. My self-esteem is very
low, and I’m really bad at putting myself down. People are always telling me
how cute and beautiful I am, but sometimes I do not see what they see…I just
see a girl with a horrible smile, crooked teeth, fat, and not worth anything. I
hate looking in mirrors because I have to look at myself. There is a list of
things that I hate about myself.
I would like to be adopted by the
Keithleys before I die. Since I have been with the
Keithleys, I have grown to love them like my real momma and daddy. I call Mrs.
Louise momma but I do not call Mr. DJ daddy. I did not get along with my dad
and had very little respect for him. There are times though when I do want to
call him daddy but I don’t want it to feel awkward. They love me, care about
me, and support me a lot more than my momma and daddy ever did. Benjamin,
Caedmon, and Eleanor are my brothers and sister, and I would do anything for
them. I have this sense of security here with the Keithleys that I have never
felt before, and it is a safe home so I do not have to worry or fear. I know I
am their daughter, but I want them to be my permanent and forever family. They
are always going to be my parents no matter where I go, and the Keithley kids
will always be my siblings.
I want to have a Biblical marriage.
My biological mom and dad just recently married. They have been together for 25
years, and when questioned about their relationship, they answer with “Common
Law Marriage”. I strongly believe that it does not matter how the government
defines marriage, because whatever is in the Bible is what is correct.
When the timing is right, I want to
have two kids. I would prefer a boy and a girl, but I
know it does not work like that. I love kids and I love being around them, and having
two of my own would rock my world. I will give them the love that I did not get
from my parents and let them know every day how special they are to me.
More than anything else on my
bucket list, I want to be successful. Neither of my parents
graduated from high school, so the only kind of jobs they were able to get were
maintenance, fast food restaurant jobs, and jobs working at ConAgra. Money was
scarce and very limited. Most days we had sandwiches for lunch and chicken
served with a side for dinner. Sometimes we ate whatever we could find in the
kitchen. Every now and then both my parents would find vehicles to wash and
from that money we would go buy pizza or something. I do not want to be like my
parents; instead I want to get a good job so I can support my family. I want to
be successful so that my family has what they need, and they are not dependent
on a check or money from the government to feed them.
I would really love to meet Britt
Nicole! Depression, for me, started at an early age, but it
hit me hardest when I was fifteen. I hated being at home and every chance I got
to leave the house I immediately jumped on it. Most times when I left home, I
would go to my best friend’s house and hang out there. Audrey and I connected
at the age of six when her mom and dad became the new pastor and pastor’s wife
of our church. Audrey’s mom, Mrs. Jackie, was one of the ladies whom I told my
sexual abuse to. Since then, they have also become my family. I lived at her
house just about as much as I lived at home. Mrs. Jackie and Audrey know my
story very well. I spent my sixteenth birthday with them, and Audrey posted a
video on my Facebook page by Britt Nicole. The song was called “When She Cries”
and it is about a girl who cuts and feel like no one is there for her, does not
love her, and never hears her cries for help. Then the song switches to let her
know that God hears her and loves her and that He will always be there for her
when no one else will. That song stopped me from doing something stupid that
night. I would like to meet Britt Nicole to tell her how much her song changed
me and stopped me from cutting.
It would be really awesome to be
able to go to a Celtics game! I only like two
players from the team, but I still love them! I love everything about
basketball!
The last thing on my list is to go
to the beach. Every summer I see pictures from the
beach. I have always wanted to go the beach. I think the closest I have ever
come to a beach is Lake DeGray. It is pitiful. I just want to go to the beach
and watch the sun go down. I would also like to run across the shore
barefooted, look for starfish, collect seashells, and have a great time!
There are many things I
could have included in this essay, but I chose the top most important things.
Some are for fun and then there are those on my list that deal with
relationships, self-development, and are very internal. I hope I live long
enough to fulfill my bucket list. If I am not able to do everything on my bucket
list I will be satisfied knowing I got to do a few of them!